I Deserve To Be Happy, Dammit!

I know my blog hasn’t had a lot of content lately and I know that my tone hasn’t been very positive, but I guess everyone goes through it at some point or another. Depression isn’t fun, but it is a reality.

After falling off the wagon with the Shred about two weeks ago, and hitting a mental low this past week, I’ve decided that I have to get myself back on track with my workouts. I owe it to myself and I’m only cheating myself  by not doing it.

My daily workouts brought me happiness. I felt accomplished after doing them and feeling how strong I was. I mentally had a place to focus energy and they would bring a sense of calm to my day. They were a natural Xanax for me, I suppose.

I need this happiness in my life. I need a place to focus my energy and I need to feel calm.

The weight I have lost over the past few years is my greatest accomplishment, with the exception of the two beautiful children my husband and I brought into this world. What sets my weight loss apart is that I did it on my own. No one could make me work out and eat the proper foods. I had to make the choice to wake up everyday and do what I needed to do to become the healthy person my children deserve.

During the trying times in life, they help me focus and remain a calm, well balanced person.

I know it’s not going to be easy to get back into a groove. I know I have a huge mental struggle ahead of me, but I was strong enough to do it once, so I’m sure I’m strong enough to do it again.

From this moment on, I’m dusting myself off (again) and getting myself back on track….because I deserve to be happy, dammit!

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6 thoughts on “I Deserve To Be Happy, Dammit!

  1. Yes, you do deserve it Nicole! Like you, I was overweight basically my whole life and have only recently learned how to maintain a healthy weight. I went up and down for a lot of years and I think it’s because I always thought in terms of “getting somewhere”, like a destination. I’d summon up all kinds of strength, passion, and determination to get there but once I felt like I’d “arrived” I didn’t reallly know where to direct all that passion and determination anymore. I also believed since I’d “gotten there” that that strength must be ingrained in me by then, so it was very perplexing as to why I couldn’t seem to find it when I needed it. Then the shame spiral would start and I’d be creeping back to where I was before. Now I’ve accepted the ebb and flow of things and I understand that I’m going to go through phases where I’m unmotivated and uninspired, that’s just the way it is. But instead of beating myself up over it and wondering what the hell is wrong with me, telling myself “You NEED to summon up that strength and determination” — I summon up patience and compassion instead. I accept that when I’m being lazy and eating “crap food” that my “crap food” is nowhere near as bad as most people’s “crap food”, lol! I try to find ways to nuture myself rather than push myself harder. I go back to the things that inspired me in the first place, whether it’s a book or a dvd, etc. When I’m being patient instead of playing the Shame & Blame Game, inspiration always finds its way back and the spark is there once again. I guess I pay more attention to the process rather than the goal these days, and being more in the moment has been very helpful for me. So anyway, just have patience and trust in yourself, don’t be down on yourself…inspiration will come back to you in some form!

    • You are 100% right, Sarah. I spent 2 years of my life with my eye on the prize…chasing my dream and when I caught it at the finish line, I no longer knew what to do with myself. I didn’t have something chase anymore and began to feel lost.

      At this point, I know I can’t pick up where I left off, I’m just looking to find that spark that got me started in the first place. This time around I haven’t allowed myself to do the “creep” and it is always a fear in my mind. Like you, I spent so many years unhappy and struggling with my weight…it’s a feeling and place I never want to experience again.

      You have always been one of my greatest inspirations with this stuff. I am so proud of both of us for what we have achieved over the years. Hopefully with time, patience and trust in myself, I will find myself on a new and amazing path.

      Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. It truly stuck a cord with me this morning and it was exactly what I needed to hear.

  2. You kicked ass once, you can keep on kicking ass. Maybe set some new goals or benchmarks for yourself to help you “measure” success or if nothing else, maintain where you are at, as long as you don’t regress, if that makes sense (it sounded better in my head LOL). But you hit the nail on the head, you deserve happiness. We all do. Just some are afraid to do what it takes to achieve it. But, again, you have done it once already, so you are ahead of the game. You already know you have the power to do it. Just make it happen. :)

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